The Past .....................

   I think that it is time that I have done enough skirting around my past and really lay it out there. I went through a lot and while I have chosen to use those things and grow into a better person and while I use that experience to make myself a better person today I think that it is time to really share the whole story or at least most of it anyway in an attempt to get out a story that hopefully will allow others to see you are not alone and there are others who have been there. So here we go.

  

   Once upon a time 11.5 years ago I was a newly 18 year college freshmen. I was all about the party and having fun and I met a guy who I had tons of fun with, however I couldn't get him to commit so after 4 months I moved on (not completely I will get to that). In truth what started as moving on was really just an attempt to make the other jealous and while it worked it didn't work as well as I planned. I moved out of my parents house and into an apartment with the "new" guy and a friend and that is when my whole world began to change. The new guy and I fought all the time even in the new stages of this relationship and I kept finding myself leaning on the "old" guy but at this point nothing happened, well nothing too bad, until one night we split up and I went to the "old" guy and we had  one more night of crazy fun. Then when I returned home the new guy was there with apologies and such and I took him back and 3 days later I took a pregnancy test which came back positive. I thanked goodness for choosing to test when I did as only one could be the father and I decided I had to put the past behind me, it was hard the past knew my weakness's and had me wrapped around a finger but I did it for the greater good the child growing inside me. So me and the new guy began our life together or so I thought when a misunderstanding happened between us and other roommates and a fight erupted the "new" guy went to jail and I was left alone in an apartment scared and pregnant so I went to the "old" guy and he gave me a shoulder to a cry on and ear to talk to but soon I got a call and got the new guy out of jail and we moved on with our lives and into a new apt. A few months passed when I told him of the night we split and that I had went back to the old guy that night and what happened, I told him I was sorry but we had broken up and I was angry and I went back to what felt good at the time. He was angry but he admitted he went back to his ex and we made up. 

*LETS GET PHYSICAL*

    The first time he hit me I believed it was an accident now I don't think so, supposedly he was asleep and punched me in the jaw he claimed he had no idea and that he was dreaming and I let it go because I know people do crazy things in their sleep. However, arguments and such continued on and things went from bad to worse quick. One night he came in the house angry I can't remember about what but I was about 5 months huge(I mean pregnant lol) and we started to fight he picked up a drink and through it all over me and then walked out the door. I remember sitting on the couch crying trying to figure out what I had done that was so bad and then went and sat in the bathtub fully clothed crying trying to figure out what happened. Well he came home all apologies and I figured well it was just a drink,right? Wrong, fast forward two months and we had yet another fight this time though he decided to hit me and I mean really hit me in the back because I turned around to protect my pregnant belly, it was so bad that the next day I could barely raise my arm and the bruise covered my left side of  my back. On cue he apologized and I accepted because I was so confused and scared and unsure of what all just happened how could a person stand before me tell me they love me then beat me so brutally while I carried their unborn child inside me. Things carried on but never got that bad again while I was pregnant ,so I thought things were better, but the arguing never stopped it was so out of hand that when I was upset about something at the hospital I was told I was an embarrassment and needed to shut up or he would leave me there. I sat quietly the whole time and I tried convincing myself that I just needed to make things work; I had a baby, I was only 19, a boy needs his father, and that I should make things work. * Side note this is not the same person you met in the beginning that girl well that girl would have whipped his ass and this girl typing she would now but when your in a situation where you are so scared and confused its easy to forget what your supposed to do and try to remember what you should do *  We got home and things seemed to be a little better but soon they just got worse he couldn't keep a job and he wouldn't help with the baby and I was suffering depression and I felt alone. However, the arguments kept up and the abuse as well . 

*LETS GET PHYSICAL:AGAIN*

    It was my first mothers day when I got the best present ever, a busted lip, my neighbor came over because I was hitting the wall and he had to own up to what happened, first time. After that he got smarter and the abuse went to only hitting me in the head and upper arms places that no one would see really(it was a regular thing). I finally talked to someone about things and they offered to help pack me up and get me out of there and move me back to moms but I swore I could handle things . I said that because I was scared it would make things worse somehow and I didn't want other people fighting my battle. Things continued to get worse our little baby walked right out the front door while he sat on the couch because he said I was supposed to be watching him while I showered because it was my job, he raped me because I didn't want to touch him anymore. 

* ALMOST THE FINAL STRAW*

    Things really broke out when a phone call came in and he swore it was the "old"guy because they said they had the wrong number I assured him that it was a wrong number but he said I was lying , I was wrong and I told him I had enough . I then proceeded to pack a bag for me and  my son and tried to leave when he threw me through a wall, my arm was black, my back was sore and I managed to leave and went to my moms, where the next day we went to see a detective. He spent a few nights in jail and his mom called me and told me that you don't put people you love in jail.* side not but apparently you beat the shit out of them*  I was working and doing things alone for a bit but he wrote me this long letter about how he was a horrible person and begged me to take him back and I tried to say no but I was alone and I had a baby wanting to know where daddy is so I gave him another chance*side note i'm intelligent but i was moron then* Things just kept getting worse I developed vasculitis and had to quit my job and he continued to hit me.I started having an affair with a married man not because it was right but because it was nice to finally have someone want me and not tell me how worthless I was. Finally he had to do weekends in jail, managed to find a job and I started college again. He would get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, and then go away on weekends so it was peaceful. 

*THE FINAL STRAW*

    The affair continued but when he did start a fight again I was pushed to my edge and one night found myself sitting on a kitchen floor with a knife to my wrist thinking that if I killed myself at least then he wouldn't be able to kill me. Than I thought I couldn't do that to my child and I walked into the bed room and stood above him with the knife in my hand contemplating how I would kill him without waking him, then I saw this sweet baby face laying in the bed and realized I couldn't do that to my son. That's when my intelligence kicked in and I decided to devise a plan ,I was going to transfer colleges and move into a family dorm without telling him, I was done. However, after his weekends in jail ended he decided he needed to go to a friends house every weekend and when I went to pick him up one week I caught him with another woman and I kept the apartment /

*THAT'S REALLY THE END?*

   No not the end yet, but other than in court for child support 9 months later I haven't seen him now in almost 9 yrs. I am now happily married with two boys and I receive child support because the government takes it straight out of his checks. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and generalized anxiety disorder and I am now overweight but I am working on those things and all the other mental problems that were left behind the external scars healed the bruises gone but whats inside is still there those never go away. However, I have now lost 20 pounds haven't needed an antidepressant in 4 years and I have an associates degree and bachelors degree and start a masters in psychology program in August now. I have been through even more now, I have had fertility issues miscarried at 14 weeks and then had my son at 29 weeks, my husbands plant shut down, we moved to a different state, and my father died of cancer. However, despite all of this and pain that still survives from the past I find that I now can stand on my own two feet a lot easier and I know that it wasn't stupidity that kept me in that situation (yes I called myself a moron and I say I was stupid) but it was fear I was scared for my life and my sons life and I was scared of the unknown but what I learned now is this: your past can be a road straight through hell and dwelling on it is easy I still struggle with nights and days where I just want to understand it better and I just want to know why but I tell myself this "things were not my fault, I deserve better, I have better now and that my past will not define me it will teach me." I now see myself as a better person and I do have setbacks I am human but I will not let this past decide my future.

*THE MORAL*   

    So with all that I tell you my story not because I want sympathy but because you never know what a person has gone through , is going through, or has been through and also someone may read this and think well shit if she can do it so can I.Also, I was so ashamed of all that happened in that time and all I did and now I realize not every decision I made then was smart or right but it is in the past and nothing I should be ashamed of I am not that person anymore. We are so quick to judge a person before we really know them and we need to stop and take a second to consider the what if's. Domestic violence is not fun and we all have a "game plan" and we all say "well if it was me I'd ........." but the truth is until your there and until it is you , you have no idea what you would do and no idea what a person goes through. It doesn't make a person stupid for staying or even going back its not their intelligence that is called into question, an abuser doesn't count on intelligence he counts on weakness and fear. So I encourage you to not judge someone until you know and do not let your past define you. Learn from your mistakes and learn from your past and allow yourself to become the best you that you can be, the road isn't smooth and there will be u-turns , forks, and construction but if you just keep your eyes on your destination you will get there and never be ashamed of where you have been be proud you were able to move on.